Life's Oddities

Good day

2005-09-20T23:55:42Z

Well, I'm sitting back, drinking a cold one, listening to hard rock, and enjoying being alone. Mom is at work. I am in such a great mood!

I don't think I've talked about it but did you guys know I have a job? At a daycare. In the infant room. And I'm doing great! I've had the job for almost three months now. I can't believe Graduation was almost five months ago. But I've befriended the woman I work with; Kristy. Well, she is leaving the center now. But that's okay, we'll still be able to spend time together.

Speaking of which! We are going to try and go to a concert together next month. There is Homecoming at the Smirnoff Theatre in Dallas. From what I remember there is going to be Yellowcard, Audioslave, All American Rejects, Fall out Boy... and some others I like. oh! And Cold. There is a total of 18 bands. That starts at 11am. It is going to ROCK.

The Corpse Bride comes out friday! I'm so excited. The second Burton/Depp movie this year. I am in Heaven. I can't wait!

Also, Julie and I finally broke it off for good today. I'm so.. relieved. She had been pushing me down for weeks. Now I feel liberated. YEAH.

I'm in a very gay mood. I need a girlfriend. Not like Julie. And offline. Or a very pretty male. That would work too. I feel like dancing. I want to go dancing. And get drunk. Damn the legal age for being 18!

You know what? I turn 19 in December. That means.. I can say that next year I am turning 20. That is a scary as hell concept. o.o;

Hmm... Okay. I think I'll stop here for now. I'm hyper. And dancing around with a bottle of beer in hand. I need to caaaalm down. Pff. Yeah right. WOOO!

...

2005-09-16T01:56:23Z

I feel so... alone

lifes_illusions @ 2005-09-06T19:11:00

2005-09-07T00:14:14Z

Alf

Yesterday we lost Alf. I am in very much pain over this. We had her for seven and a half years. What a wonderful dog she was and we are going to miss her so much. Yesterday was so very hard. She fought dying. She didn't want to go. But eventually she gave in.. and just simply.. vanished from our lives. We were not expecting this loss, but it is greatly grieved. I hope her journey over the Bridge was a joyous one for her and she was greeted by Zelda Mae, Duke, PJ, and all of her other doggy friends who have passed away in the past few years. We are going to miss her so very much.

lifes_illusions @ 2005-08-28T15:56:00

2005-08-28T21:04:19Z

I am not a happy person right now.

Ashley isn't going to move here anymore. It doesn't surprise me. And it really isn't the point of her not coming anymore that upsets me. I'm just so sick of being alone. I was so happy that she was coming here because I would finally have someone to hang out with. I understand why she isn't going to come here. I guess I did kind of wig out on her when I found out. But I'm calmed down now...

Another thing that has me upset is that I'm befriending Kristy up at work. As most of you know I work at a daycare in the infant room. With babies. I love it so much. And Kristy is amazing. She's 29 but she is so full of energy. But she's going to be moving away now. Her husband is cheating on her and is being this horrible person. I understand why is she moving away and I know she doesn't want to. I'm going to miss her so much. Everyone keeps getting pushed away from me.

Probably the thing that has me upset the most is I still have feelings for Amanda/Ed. I know I didn't discuss what happened while she was here but let me just say it was a big mess. But things are settling down right now and my feelings for her aren't. I just care for her so much.. and I want her so much. I wish she could come visit me again. And have things more smooth than last time.

Well... this is all I'm going to write today.. I need to go get ready for Church. Chuuurch. Damnit.

Ouch.

2005-08-15T21:11:04Z

Friday night I had to go to the ER at like 11. I've had this sore right above my crack for a little over a week. Probably two weeks. Turns out it is a very common thing. It starts with a hair follicle and it just gets a lot of puss in there. It's a dark place with a lot of oxygen so bacteria loves it. Heh. They had to cut it open, and drain it. It hurt so much.. The doctor put a tube inside the cut thoguh and then packed it with something so the cut couldn't close up. And said to come back monday for a follow up. And it would be decided if I had to actually have surgery to get this thing taken care of. We went back this morning... he looked at it and liked how it was healing so I don't have to have surgery. But they took the tube out, the stuff, and put more stuff in it. It hurt so bad.. I cried and I couldn't help but shake. It was so painful. Ugh. And I can't go to work for a week! A week! I'm so mad.. But at least I don't have to have surgery. Le sigh..

Never ending circle

2005-07-08T22:25:24Z

Meh. Today isn't too good of a day. Grandma has surgery monday. Most of you don't know but my grandmother has been sick lately. She is losing blood platelets. For those of you that don't know what they are they are one of the minute protoplasmic disks of vertebrate blood that assist in blood clotting. So that isn't good. They go up into the hundred thousands and she was down to a mere 1000. That's it. The spleen is usually what eats the platelets so she is going to have it removed monday. They have to go in and cut all the stomach muscles so it isn't a pleasant recovery. She also had fluid in her lungs from her medication. That isn't too serious though. It is only a small amount. Also they put PJ to sleep today. He's a dog Papa has had since I was 7 or 8. That saddens me a great deal.

I can't believe what happened in London. This world is so fucked up. This is the only reason why I ever consider to -not- have children. Why bring them into a world that is going downhill? Yeah people go "Well if you don't want to do that you'll just be helping destroy the human race" There are plenty of children to adopt out there. So don't go there. But just look at everything that is going on. People hating one another, people destroying one another. This is a very.. sad time we live in. The world has never been at peace. But now we're blowing people up for no reason, for no gain, just to do it. Because they are associated with someone else or some other shit. If there is intellgient life out there in space no wonder we haven't found them. Why would they want to come visit us?

Amanda is coming to visit me in 8 days. She'll be here in 9. I'm so... scared. I mean.. what if there is no attraction offline? I'm used to rejection online. But offline? I'll live though. It is just scary. And not just because I might get rejected. Just the whole aspect. She's scared that I'm not going to like her offline. So we are worried about the same thing. But neither of us are going to feel better until she gets here. I'm just wishing that the 17th would get here soon so that the meeting can be over and done with.

I don't want to write anymore. So I'm not.

<3 Kami <3

My. God.

2005-06-16T06:53:39Z

Graduation is over, long over. And we moved from that shit splat town. We've been here in Fort Worth for about two weeks. Mom had everything set up for an apartment. But then a storm rolled through and the only exit besides the door in the masterbedroom is the balcony. And the storm damaged the balcony so it was unsafe to move in there. But actually that turned out for the best because now we have a townhouse for about only 20 dollars more a month. And it is twice as big.
But it needed painting, new carpet and tile, and a sink fixed. We painted it ourselves, the carpet is in, and new blinds are up but the other things aren't fixed. But the manager said to go ahead and start getting out things in there and she would take care of the other things. So it has just been a matter of time of getting things together, fixed, signed, and things like that. We're going to start moving into it tomorrow. Thank God.
But we have been here at my grandmother's for two weeks and it is getting to me. I'm sharing a bed with Ashley and even though we have been friends for almost 7 years we barely touch so sleeping with her is no fun. I sleep on just my sides and I'm so used to moving around.. my hips are killing me. I'm up right now because I can't sleep.
I broke things off with Julie a few nights ago. It all just got too much for me so we're no longer together. But we're still friends. And I'm glad about that. But there is another reason why I broke it off with her. 'Member that Ed I told you about? 21 year old guy who turned out to be a 17 year old girl? Yeah.. a few weeks ago she told me she is attracted to me and it has esculated from there. We've gotten... really close. Closer in these past three weeks than Julie and I were in that sense. And now she is coming to see me on July 17-21. I'm so nervous. My trip to Chicago is canceled. Not because of Ed or because of Julie and I.. but it just isn't good timing. But I am glad that I get to meet Ed, or Amanda rather. I think I am going to end up falling for her.. very hard. I all ready am. Which scares me about her coming to see me. Because I will be with her offline for five days.
Oh, another thing. My friend Ashley? She's coming to live here with us and go to college here. It surprises me her mother is allowing it. But she is actually seeming all for it. So I have to share my room with Ashley. But it will be okay. I gave her a wall and a half. Lol I get two and a half and the ceiling. She says she is going to be in Johnny Depp Hell since I have so many posters and cuts outs of him. I'm making her a fan though. More than half of my DVDs are Johnny Depp films and all we've done in two weeks basically is watch movies. I'm converting her. Hahaha.
Mn. Okay.. I'm just rambling now. So tired.. I think I am going to go attempt sleep now. I'm getting into that dazed state. I want sleeeeeep.... z_z

Graduation

2005-05-26T22:32:14Z

This is awesome. I graduate high school tomorrow. I cannot believe it, it seems so.. surreal to me. As people have told me it will seem, and they are more than correct. I cannot believe I am 18, graduating high school, and moving to Fort Worth. It is all going by so quickly but that isn't a bad thing really. I'm ready to get out of his place. I am getting rather nervous about tomorrow though. My friend Ed graduated today at 2. The punk. My graduation isn't until tomorrow evening at 8. Why does ours have to be so late? I want it over with. We're moving next wednesday and I cannot wait. *_*

Whooo...

2005-04-19T23:08:07Z

It's been FOREVER since I've written in here. I've forgotten about it. Let's see... so much has gone on since I last wrote. The summer went by really good.. I went to summer school and I passed all my courses so I got all caught up on my credits.. In July I met this wonderful girl online. In August my aunt died.. which was really sad.. I miss her so much. In December I also lost my Pop. That was a very sad time, but we all got through it, and at least he doesn't have to suffer anymore with his cancer. He can be happy. School started back up and it is just awesome to be a senior. It is almost over though. 38 more days! Counting weekends!

In December I turned 18. And I got a tattoo! Yes! A tattoo! It's a butterfly.. and of course the entire thing is symbolic to me. Butterflies are creatures that are free and they let the wind carry them. They are also the symbol of transformation, reminding you to take a new path if it is open to you. The outline is black which is for elegence and mystery.. then there is red for love and passion.. olive green for peace, and aqua for inner healing. So yes. Purely symbolic.

Let's see.. what else is there. This is just a very rough outline. I've made a good friend this year. Meghan, she's kind of wacky but that is why I like her so much. She cracks me up and really gets me into a good mood.

The funniest thing happened to me saturday. I've had this online friend for about a year. His name is Ed and he is in college to become a doctor. We've become close over the past year but in the past few months he had been very distant with me and kept me at arms length. Saturday it all came crashing down though, I was actually getting irriated at him, which was the first time in the entire time I know him. He told me he would tell me the truth. Here I was thinking he was going to tell me he was an excon or something. But turns out? He is a SHE. A 17 year old girl. It cracked me up. She was afraid I was going to be mad at her. But she pretended to be a guy because she likes to RP males and a lot of people don't like girls playing guys. So she just became a guy online. She wasn't expecting us to become so close so she didn't know what to do. I'm glad she came clean though. She actually is going to go to medical school and such. I told her her punishment is that I'm still going to call her Ed. LOL

You know that girl I mentioned earlier, Julie? She is just so amazing. We RP all the time. And our RPs are just incredible. Our logs added together are almost at 2500 pages. SO MUCH RP. It's wonderful.

I think I'll stop here for today. I'm going to try and keep up with this again. Yes. Ja matte ne!

<3 Kami

lifes_illusions @ 2004-05-23T00:00:00

2004-05-23T05:27:53Z

Why.. can't parents allow us to be who we are.. I don't understand. Are we supposed to grow up and be how they were? Seemingly to them; perfect? Why can't we be who we are? Who we want to be? My friend Molly is going through such a hard time right now. We've been online friends for four years this fall. And lately her mother has been really getting on her case. And tonight.. god.. I am so angry right now. She IMs me with this.

Molly: .. I'm going to be changing myself for awhile.. I can't do this anymore.. Both of my parents just.. accused me of everything possible ever.. Said I was a waste of air.. And my liking Jrock is sick.. and if I don't stop being the way I am, they'll send me to school away from Hai-chan... Told me not to even think about doing anything with her, because I'll ruin her life forever if we're gay..So, I need to stop acting who I am. No more liking some of the stuff I do.. I won't be on as much.. I'll be doing household, good, housewife things.. Until I can leave, which I'll be working towards until the day I turn 18. I'm deleting, ripping up most or any of my yaoi.. So.. just letting you know..

Me: Letting them win..?

Molly: I am. I can't do this anymore.. I had suicide thoughts. That's bad. I need to just.. get past them.

Me: Send me your yaoi stuff. You shouldn't rip it up. Give it to me to hold. I mean.. you shouldn't let them ruin who you are. It isn't THEIR fucking decision on the road you want to be on in your life. What the fuck is wrong with them and them suddenly treating your brother like he is the golden child and getting so hard on you while your brother did shit when he was your age? Why are your parents getting so high and mighty? Don't ruin yourself just because of them.. Send me what they want you to get rid of. I'll keep it for you. You shouldn't ruin it though. You'll regret it. I hate fucking seeing this and it really pisses me off. I'm so sorry.

Molly: It's alright.. and, I think I will do that.. I trust you with it. I'll just.. get some stuff together, I think.. But, I need to go now.. I have a lot of rearranging to do..

Me: You can send me anything you want. I'll keep it safe. Put it in a closet to nothing can get to it.. Just know I'm here for you okay? I always will be. I'm sorry though..

Molly: Thank you.. just. .. thanks..

What is WRONG with parents? Seemingly comdemning their own children on decisions that are their own to make! Parents should accept how their children turn out and love them. Not try and change them. Especially with threats. I'm sorry. But Molly's parents just went down a notch in my book.

I've known Molly for almost four years. I would not be who I am today without her. I would be a totally different person. She got me into Japan. JRock, Anime, Manga, anything about Japan. She got me into drawing people which I am progressing with with every picture still. Molly has just influenced my life so much. And I hate seeing her go through this. She doesn't deserve this. She is such a talented and wonderful person. I would do anything to help her. And I wish I could help her. I really hate seeing her hurt like this.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

lifes_illusions @ 2004-05-17T15:59:00

2004-05-17T21:12:35Z

Well, it hasn't been a month. Woo! Heh..

Where to start. Hm. Well, schoolwise.

Mom and I went in and had a talk with my counselor. About my credits and stuff since I am behind. Things are good. Real good. I'm going to get to graduate on time. And we don't have to pay for summer school. Which we usually have to do. She told us that it is kind of saying they are sorry for not letting me enroll there until january. Which screwed me up so much. Free summer school, getting to graduate on time. Yeah, it's great.

I messed up my friendship with Chance. I told Mom about him being gay. Heh. Funny how a person can condem another for telling someone else a secret. It wasn't like I told a classmate and it is going to be spread out school. It's my goddamn mother. And I know he isn't going to give me a second chance. He REALLY loved the manga Gavitation. I let him read it a few weeks back or something. And over the weekend I got the second Volume. And I asked him today if he wanted to read it and he said no. I guess if he is going to act like such an asshole I don't need to be friends with him anyway. Maybe this is for the best.

I did make a depressing discovery today though. After this school year I am going to be.. once again.. alone. Surprising, ne? Amie is graduating, Chance and I aren't friends, And Miranda is always around Chance to so I probably wont talk to her again. And they were the first forking friends I had made since Ashuri. Back in 6th grade. Why do I lose everyone? It isn't fair.

I always lose people I care for. God, Kyle keeps coming into my mind lately. I miss him so much. That is certainly unpleasant. Always a stab in the gut when I think about how much fun we used to have on the phone and everything. I messed things up so badly with him. I wonder if he is even still alive. With the way he was talking..I just don't know. Hurtful memories.

You know what I REALLY hate? Being me. Being different. Not being like everyone else. I really have nothing in common with anyone at school. I like Manga, Anime, JRock, other far out stuff.. No one is like that at my school. I feel so alone. I never have anyone to hang out with that likes the same stuff as me. I hate it. I hate living here. Culture deprived city.

You know what I really fear? Because I lose so many people, I fear I'm going to lose Jules. I don't know why. It's just I lose almost everyone. Except for a number of people who have always been there. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. In any kind of way. I care for her so much. And want to hold her. Though of course, that is impossible thus far. Fucking distance.

Ah, it's going to rain. Perfect. Least one thing is going to go right today. Well, I suppose one good thing is better than none, right? Oh life, how I loathe you.

<3 Kami-sama

lifes_illusions @ 2004-05-01T08:34:00

2004-05-01T13:47:51Z

Ahaha! Three days from the point of not updating in a month >> So much for updating before three weeks. XD I've just had a lot going on. Thus I will explain in a horribly long entry XD

Ashuri came down for her Spring Break. So I got to see her! It was so good to see her. I felt so good. We did what we usually did. Roleplayed, listened to music, watched anime.. Oh! I got to see the entire series of Fruits Basket! ^ ^! I LOVED it. Well, not the entire. She couldn't find the disc that held eppies 7, 8, and 9 before she came down. But no biggy. I was sad to see her go. Really sad. But it was great to see her. ^ ^

Let's see. What else has happened. Well, I'm getting closer to Amie, Miranda, and Chance at school. Especially Chance. I love joking around with him. XD

We had state testing this week. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Oi! It was stressful. I was literally sick the day of the math exam. I was fine the next day though. We get the results back in like 2-3 weeks. That isn't much of time to wait. Yaay. I hope I passed everything. I don't want to have to retake anything. Oi.

What else what else. Only for weeks of school left. Then summer! And summer school. LOL But that wont be bad. 6 weeks from 9-12. Three hours? I can handle it. Mom and I are planning out a vacation. First one in a long time. We're planning on going to Houston and flying me to Chicago so I can finally see my friend Hannah for the first time in three and a half years. Which means in Houston I can meet my online friend Tyler! Again! Yet, I haven't seen him online which means he doesn't know this yet. x_X; So I'd spend a while with Hannah. And my online friend Jesse only lives 45 miles from her. I want to meet him so bad! He's such an adorable person! He'd have to sneak it though because his mother is REALLY protective. The boy is turning 17 this year! Let him go a little x_x; Mom would then come and get me and we'd go to Buffalo. Where I get to meet my online friend Bobbie. We've been friends for like 5 years. She's like a second mother to me. She's like 53 or something. I'll stay with her while Mom goes to stay with her sister; Lynn who lives in Buffalo. So many people to see! I'm so excited.

My second stepdad is coming back into our lives. I haven't seen him yet. I'm not sure if I want to. I'm starting to forgive him though. Mom's seen him a lot of times. I don't know when I'll see him. I want to see him.. yet don't. He really hurt me when he kicked us out. Oh well. I'm getting over it. Which is lifting so much off my shoulders. ^ ^

Well, Thursday night I "came out of the closet" to Mom. Virtually everyone else knows I'm basically gay. Guys get recongized only a little in my interest. LOL Lot of people still don't know. I don't think anyone in my family will know except Mom. They wouldn't understand. She barely understands. Hell, some of my friends not understand. Some of my closest friends don't know. Chris, Hannah, Kim... Some others. Mn. Oh well.

I've ran out of things to say. XD Maybe I will be successful in updating a little bit more this time. LOL If not.. well, you'll get an update in a month. LOL Ja matta ne! <3 Kami-sama.

lifes_illusions @ 2004-04-04T20:22:00

2004-04-05T01:37:46Z

I am so addicted to this song. Heroine by Vidoll. Japanese band. It's so awesome! XD I've even seen the Live video of it. So awesome. The beat is annoyingly catching, and Jui's voice is hypnotic. I want to listen to it again XD But mom would hate it.

I've met a new friend online last week. His name is Jesse, but I call him Jeshi-Chan. He's the one who introduced me to Vidoll. And Velvet Eden, Fatima, Allure Idea or something. He's so awesome. He loves Kami too. He even has looong hair. OMG it's so pretty. He gave me a picture. He's so adorable! ^ ^ He doesn't seem to think so though. :\ Evil him.

I get to see Ashuri this week! Wednesday! I'm so bloody happy!! First time I've gotten to see her since November. I can't wait. I'm simply estatic. I'm not sure how long she's going to stay with me though. One night is fine with me though. So. Happy.

I used to know a guy named Eric. He lived in Ireland and we were online friends. I hadn't talked to him in almost two years. But I kept his SN on my buddylist.. Just in case. Guess what. He signed on tonight. I was SO happy. ^ ^

Three day week this week. Then I have Thursday, Friday, and the following Monday off. 5 day weekend. HOT DAMN. XD

Okie. Enough typing and talking. XD I'll try and update again before three weeks this time. :\ Ja matta ne!

lifes_illusions @ 2004-03-17T19:58:00

2004-03-18T02:06:03Z

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Yes, that's right. It's St. Patrick's Day. The day the irish celebrate St. Patrick, and the day everyone else pretends they are irish.

Today has actually been a good day. Even though it was utterly boring! Spring Break is so dull when no one else has it. You sit there online staring at your buddylist. XD Boy, aren't I pathetic?

I burnt myself a little while ago. I was lighting some candles and I was trying to dodge the flame and hot wax poured onto my knuckle. Boy, did I scream like a girl. XD Wait.. I am a girl. All right!

Guess what! I did the impossible! I made dinner! Yes! I, Stephanie Ann, made a REAL MEAL! AHAHAHA! It's Lamb and Barley soup. It's good. And I didn't kill myself or Mom >> Miracles do exist!

I'm going to do something tomorrow to defy all. I'm getting my bangs died black! Hahaha! Yes! I am tainting my hair Molly! And you can't say a word! Even though you're going to. But it's just my bangs! I know better than to do my whole head. You love my red hair too much! So does everyone else. x_x;

Okay. o.o I'm done. Stop reading. Go away. GO AWAY! BE GONE THOU FOUL BEAST! o.o Okay. Fine. Don't go away. I know you're still reading this! Stopit! ;-; Fine. I'll leave! Ja matte ne! Ciao! Au revoir!

lifes_illusions @ 2004-03-13T20:40:00

2004-03-14T03:10:58Z

First of all, I have been thinking lately. I always seem to be down and depressed. Nothing keeps me up for very long. I always keep to myself and I never go out. So, I've decided I am going to desperately try and be more happy. I really do not have much to NOT be happy about. It's been working so far. Heh. Been a week now since I decided this.

Guess what. I saw Passion of the Christ tonight. Wow. It was gory as hell. Very sad too. Though I didn't cry. Pissed mom off that I didn't. She said I was a heathen and cold hearted. She cried through the whole thing. I'd say more about it but I don't feel much like writing a lot in here tonight. I haven't been in the mood.

Everything is fine with me though. I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway >>
Heh. ^^/)

Memories

2004-03-09T03:07:17Z

I was thinking today. I was thinking about the first memory I ever had. Mom said I was only 2. We were staying at Lubbock at my grandparents and it had snowed. I remember going out with Mom and Grandma and building a snowman. And then the next thing I knew I looked out the door and he had melted. I remember crying not understanding where he went.

The next memory I can remember was when we moved to Florida. Which was when I was 2 as well. That summer. I remember sitting in the car watching my Dad talk to the people of the house we were buying from. I lived in that house for 4 years and remember it quite well.

I loved it when we lives in Florida. My grandparents had moved there too and only lived a few miles from us. I remember their house too. I loved going to Grandma and Papa's. I had so any adventures with Papa. He'd take me anywhere and everywhere. I remember him taking me swimming in a buyou (sp) and we found clams one time.

Then one summer, I don't remember the timeline here.. My grandparents owned a gas station in California on a mountain. So many memories of that summer I stayed with them. I was 4 I believe. Trees everywhere. One morning I remember Papa coming and waking me up saying we had to go someplace and fast. He didn't even dress me. So we got into his truck me in my PJs and we went to the local dumpster we had a few miles down the road. There was a young bear who had gotten in the dumpster but couldn't get out. I have a picture of it around here somewhere. I remember them putting a ladder in there for it to get out, and we watched it run off. Also, there was a creek my Papa always took me to. I loved that creek. If I close my eyes I can still see it.

When I was about 5 or so my grandparents got divorced. They were living in Florida at the time. I didn't understand what was happening. Papa moved away and grandma moved in with us. Or it was visa versa.. But I think it was grandma who lived with us. Yes, yes it was. I remember now. I missed Papa so much. He always let me sit in his lap in the truck and "drive" it.

When I was 8 we moved to Tennessee. During that time we had moved to Lubbock in the country, and then into the city. Then my parents got divorced and we moved. I loved TN. We had snow there. I fell in love with the snow. Mom had gotten a new boyfriend. He was really awesome. Though he had CP and couldn't walk without crutches. He was awesome though. We still keep in touch once in a while. I remember one time it snowed hard. And it was Sunday. And mom told me to check the mail. The mail box was across the street. I was 9. I didn't know any better. So I got bundled up. Walked across the icy road unscathed, and then back. To my mother's amusment. And today mine.

When I was 10 we moved to Georgia. We moved in with Mom's boyfriend then. The one with CP. They ended up getting married. All in all he was pretty neat. He treated me more like a daughter than my real father.

When I was in the 4th grade I met a boy named Thor. I will never forget him. He was a son of a pair of hippies, he always had a broken arm, and he was so sweet. He was in my class and he was the only one with the name that started with a T. And one day during recess he came up to me. "Do you like anyone in our class?" I told him I might have one but wasn't going to say. He stood there for a moment and then broke out "Maybe? Oh please let it start with a T! Does it start with a T?" He was such a sweet boy. He gave me my first rose for Valentine's day. I wonder whatever happened to him.

We moved back to Texas when I was 11. I got to be by my grandparents again! I had missed them. In the 6th grade I met Ashley. My best friend. We didn't like one another at first. Infact we hated one another. And then our science teacher put us together for a drawing project. We still have the poster today. It symbolizes the beginning of a long friendship.

Also, when I was 13 I met Hannah. Her grandparents were our neighbors. The Riley's. I loved those people so much. Especially her grandfather. He died though. I still miss him very much. He was so kind to me. Hannah lived up in Chicago and she came to visit them. And that is how we became friends. Close friends. We are still close to this day. Even though we haven't seen one another in 3 years.

When I was 13 Mom and my stepfather divorced. He went back to GA. We went a little bit of everywhere. We finally came back here into the town with my Grandparents. Though mom had me in homeschool. I stayed up all night, and slept all day. It was great. That was when I met Mori and so many others online. Mori though, she is so special to me. She's awesome. I admire her so much.

My mother worked at a hotel on the midnight shift. And one night she got robbed. And they might have actually killed her if it wasn't she was on the phone with the man who would become my second stepfather.

Very few good memories arose after she married him. Very few. Not even any worth mentioning.

When I was 15 we were back here in this town with my grandparents. And this is where I am today. And will be until I graduate. As the years seem to drag on the less happy memories I have. The last time I talked to my father on the phone was 9 months ago. The last I heard from him was 3 months ago. We are so close. Can't you tell?

I yearn so much for a happy memory. To feel happy again. Just once. I don't have Ashley anymore because she moved away. Hannah never lived here. The friends I do have aren't very close friendships. And I crave to have someone to be with. I yearn to find love. When I most likely wont. Why must us humans have this craving for it? Is there a way to get rid of the craving without actually falling in love? I would like to know the remedy.

I was just taking a stroll down memory lane here. So many memories I am now thinking of that I will not put in here. Memories seem all I hold onto now for security. However, sometimes our memories are not even safe. And that worries me.

Hannah,

2004-03-07T05:54:29Z

How pathetic am I to be writing this in here instead of just telling it to you. I understand what you are trying to tell me. I really do. When it gets right down to it I am scared. I'm scared to be by myself. Even though you would be near by. That's one of my biggest fears is being alone. Second is birds. Don't ask.

It is safe to say, Hannah, that I have changed in these past three years. I'm not happy. I find it hard to look on the bright side of things. I don't care about alot of things. And I'm so lonely it overwhelms me many times. And it isn't like I don't try and fix these things. I try constantly. Something is just always pushing me down. You know if you get pushed down over and over in one period of time literally, it gets harder and harder to get up? That's how it is.

I wish things were how they were when we met at your grandparents in Woodville. Life was so easy then. I miss those times. So much. I miss you. A few times a year I come across that picture of us you gave me that your grandfather took of us on the swing. I would give my right arm to go back to those days and relive them.

I know I should try and get to Buffalo after high school.. I just don't see how I can. Plus, I dont' want to leave mom.. She's all I have had family wise. She's the one who has never walked out. Everyone else has. At least once. You know the last time I talked to dad on the phone was June? And I just got an email from him for christmas. And money in the mail.

I'm sorry if I upset you earlier. I am. You know how stubborn and idiotic I can be. I know you worry about me and you're just trying to look out for me. It's amazing how much you know about me that I don't tell you. You amaze me. We've been friends for so long yet it seems like it has been even longer.

I will give thought to what you said and I will talk to mom about it. It seems you are the only one who really understands me. I mean truely. It's scary. I think that's why I shut down with you alot. It's like I can't hide anything from you. And to be honest I think you're stronger than I am. Mentally. Earlier literally made me tired from trying to get through to you it isn't that big of a deal. I'm not as strong as I once was. As I said I have tuned so many things out over the years, I've tuned out too much. Important things most likely. And I don't know how to take down the barriers. I'm not sure if I even can without help. You really do mean so much to me Hannah and I care for you so much. You're one of the best friends I have ever had and will ever have. You're truely a blessing to my life, and I try to not take it for granted. Over these years though we have grown apart. Yet... we've remained close. Our differences and smiliarities are amazing. I do not even know what you like anymore. I know the same things. But I know there is stuff I do not know about you. And visa versa. I mean I can probably bet YOU don't read manga, watch anime, listen to over 20 different japanese Japanese Rock, Japanese Pop artists. We're different, yet the same in so many ways.

Yes, you're getting through my thick skull. Be happy. Not many people can do that.

lifes_illusions @ 2004-03-03T21:31:00

2004-03-04T03:42:45Z

AHHH!! GUESS WHAT! I'M PASSING CHEMISTRY NOW!! With a 73! ::Does a jig:: FINALLY! I'm so happy about it. And I know it's going to go up a few more points because of extra credit. Now I just have algebra to worry about.

Also today in History we had a test over a book we had to read. The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pitman. Boring ass book, indeed. I made a 84 on it. I think that was the highest in the class. I know Rachel made a 84 too. Mr. Norwood put the scantron on my desk and KISSED the top of my head. I was like ">>; What..." It scared me. XD
He does that when he is proud of someone for a test. He even did it to Michael one day. THAT was funny.

Other than those two things my day was rather.. melancholy I think it is safe to say. I kept to myself and Chance kept noticing it. Though I kept saying it was nothing. Though he kept giving me strange looks. When it gets right down to it it is because of Ashley. I'm missing her so much. Le sigh.

FRENCH! UGH! I want to strangle that woman's neck! She is piling work on us like there is no tomorrow and she wants to cram so much french into our brains as much as she can. It's so annoying. I can't speak in french. I just zone out all the time and I only know a little. I'll learn more in college. Unless they have a more interesting language at the college I go to. Maybe!

Even though I'm down I feel happy. I'm condridicting myself, aren't I? I hate it when I get this. I'm down yet I'm being hyper and shit. Naaaargh! I'm going to short curcit one day.

I was noticing my hair earlier. It is getting to freaking long. Down to the middle of my back almost. Everyone loves my hair. T_T They wont let me cut it. Or dye it. Not that I would dye it. My bangs I will. But my hair in general? No. It's too pretty of a red to do that. Plus I can think of 5 people off the top of my head that would KILL me if I did anything to my hair. Oh well. Probably for the best, yes?

I just realized something. St. Patrick's day is in 2 weeks! Hot damn! ^_^ St. Patrick's Day is my second favorite holiday. All Hail The Irish! Bwahaha >>; No, I'm not full irish.. But I'm probably 30% or more! So nyah! I'm mainly French, Irish, and German. That's basically it. I take no pride in my german side though. That's my father's side. Yuck. Haven't heard from the man since December. Haven't talked to him on the phone since... June. Wow. 9 months. Dickwad.

I think I've written enough for today. Yes? Yes. It's mostly rants. I'm just bored. AHH! o.o ::Points to icon:: HAIL KAMI... OR DIE BIATCH! ... Kidding. >>

Night!

lifes_illusions @ 2004-03-02T18:33:00

2004-03-03T00:44:24Z

It's been a while since I've written in here. I just haven't had much motivation to do much lately. I haven't drawn, not really caring about school... Really the only thing I have been doing is writing on my story. Even that the past few days have taken a back seat.

I'm just not happy. I can't get happy. As much as I try. As much as I want to be. Something always happens to knock me back on my ass when I almost get there. Most of you know I made those friends back last school semester. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't. I just feel out of the 'group' you could say. I don't fit in. I know I don't. I don't fit in anywhere. I hate being different than everyone else. Like japanese stuff, actually caring about the world and what goes on in it, thinking about my futur, the stuff I like..

I miss Ashuri so much. I haven't seen her since November. Why did her parents have to split? Things arne't any different from when they were married. He just goes to visit them. She's been my friend for 5 years. Six this fall. And my only friend. When you have only one friend for that long it is hard to try and fit in with anyone else. I miss her so fucking much. It to the point of hurting.

With all the people that are around me I have been feeling so lonely again. Friend wise, relationship wise. God, I'm so lonely relationship wise. No, I'm not the prettiest thing in the world but isn't there SOMEONE who could give me a chance? SOMEONE? What I wouldn't give to just have someone to just cuddle with. Or someone offline just to call to unwind from my day with. I just want to know someone cares... besides my family.

We're not going to be moving to Buffalo until a year after I graduate. So it's gone from a year to two years. I'm never getting out of this hell hole. Mom wants to finish school before we move up there to NY. Because it is so expensive. I want out of here. So much.

You know the only thing that I look forward to everyday is US History. With Mr. Norwood. God, I do not see how people say his class is horrible. He has been teaching for 32 years and he is a wonderful teacher. He knows what he is teaching. He tells it all like a story. I am actually disappointed when the bell rings everyday. What a thing to keep you going... a history class...

I'll end here.

lifes_illusions @ 2004-02-16T20:54:00

2004-02-17T03:09:29Z

Why can't I do it? Why can't I be a happy person? I want to be a happy person. I want to be the kind of person who tries to look on the good side of things. I want to be able to make people laugh and I always want to smile and have people I'm actually THERE because I'm holding a conversation and not standing behind them quiet as a mouse just listening. I'm so tired of feeling like people don't notice I'm there. I'm tired of questioning myself wondering if they would even notice if I didn't come around. God, I hate how I am. I hate always feeling down and sad and alone. SO WHAT if I haven't had the easier life. People have had it harder. SO WHAT if I'm not the most normal person around. Other people are stranger. SO WHAT that I don't keep perfect grades like I would want. Some people don't try. I want to appreciate things better. I want to fucking stop getting on this computer so much and go outside and enjoy the warmth or coldness of a day. I take too much for granted these days. All I ever do anymore is piss mom off. And for what? I hate her yelling, I hate her screaming. If I hate it so much why I do I continue my shit? Because I don't want to get off my lazy ass away from this computer and help around the house? GOD! The only time I ever seem to be happy these days is when I get to see Ashuri. And I mean TRUELY happy. I haven't seen her since November. Why can't I find other things that thrill me? That aren't so far away? Why am I being such a self-centered, negative, ungratedful, bitch? My life hasn't been THAT HORRIBLE. So what if I haven't actually talked to my father on the phone since July. So what if I haven't seen him since I was 12. So what I feel like I only have one true friend in the world. So what that two stepfathers have kicked me and my mother out of house. So what if I have never gone to one school more than two and a half years. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT ROUGHER! God, I hate myself right now. I am lucky in so many ways. SO MANY! I need to change my ways. Yeah, least I'm not a complete selfish bitch anymore and use people. But that was from the expense of someone I loved and lost. So many things I regret. So many things I want to take back. So many things that haunt my memory reminding me of the bad things I've said to people and I have never gotten to say I'm sorry. Maybe that's why I'm not happy. Maybe that's why I'm not such a joy to be around. Things of the past are coming back to slap me in the head saying "You think you desereve such happiness with what you did to other people?". I wouldn't blame fate for doing that. I need to get a grip on myself. On reality. I need to change myself so I can enjoy life, and with other people. Damn.

lifes_illusions @ 2004-02-10T21:16:00

2004-02-11T03:31:20Z

Today was kind of a bad day. Though I don't really want to go into it >>; I don't really have anything to say either. O.o; So I'll leave you with these lyrics. :D

End of passion play, crumbling away
I'm your source of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear
Leading on your deaths construction

Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master

Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master

Needlework the way, never you betray
Life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
Chop your breakfast on a mirror

Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master

Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master

Master, Master, Where's the dreams that I've been after?
Master, Master, You promised only lies
Laughter, Laughter, All I hear and see is laughter
Laughter, Laughter, laughing at my cries

Hell is worth all that, natural habitat
Just a rhyme without a reason
Neverending maze, drift on numbered days
Now your life is out of season
I will occupy
I will help you die
I will run through you
Now I rule you too

Come crawling faster
Obey your Master
Your life burns faster
Obey your Master
Master

Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master

Ha ha ha ha

Have to love Metallica, ne? ::Yawns and goed back to being bored out of her mind::

lifes_illusions @ 2004-02-09T16:00:00

2004-02-09T22:01:25Z

The Sordid Details of Your Death by deltashade
Name
Age
Date of death	April 6, 2033
Reason for death	Smashed between two Mack trucks
Last words	"Get that thing away from me!"
Where You End Up	Hell

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

lifes_illusions @ 2004-02-07T08:04:00

2004-02-07T14:12:06Z

Man. These past two days have been.. woah O_o; We got a new puppy! She is so beautiful. Her mom was a lab, and her dad was a cur. ie hound dog. Mom named her Claire. I didn't go to school friday because she slept with me and she thought it was playtime while I was trying to sleep. She was better last night though. She only woke me up twice and that was around 5:30 and on.

We said we wouldn't get another puppy until after the move since Takara died. But Thursday after school we were driving home and mom saw the sigh "Free Puppies" and she pulled in there like the Four Horsemen were on her tail. She was the only puppy left. She is soo beautiful. I can't get over her markings.